
Labels like "partner", "friend", "lover", or "fuck buddy" may seem like convenient words to describe our relationships. They provide a sense of structure, but do they truly capture the richness and the complexity of human connection? Or do we rely on them for the comfort of avoiding deeper reflection on our relationships? And if we do, what’s the long-term cost of depending on labels to define the way we relate to each other? Can we design relationships beyond traditional labels?
Labels: Helpful or Harmful?
Labels serve a purpose. They help us simplify complex situations and make sense of the world allowing us to quickly categorize things, people and relationships, and set expectations. For example, calling someone a "partner" suggests an intimate, serious connection, while "friend" indicates a more relaxed, platonic relationship, even if many times that's not the case. While labels can provide some sense of security, they can also create restrictions on how we express ourselves and relate to others.
One of the problems with labels arises when we feel pressured to behave a certain way or are held back from doing something simply because it doesn't fit within the set of expectations tied to that label. These predefined labels can feel restrictive and don’t always honor the diversity of ways people relate to each other.
Labels come with a set of implicit expectations and assumptions. If we don’t question and examine these assumptions, we risk shaping our relationships based on societal expectations rather than our authentic needs and desires.
Moving Beyond Labels: A Designer’s Mindset
Instead of sticking to fixed labels, why not approach relationships with a designer's mindset? The dictionary defines design as "the art or process of deciding how something will look, work, etc., by drawing plans, making computer models, etc." Applying this to relationships means treating them as a creative process, shaping each one to fit the needs of everyone involved. Design is about solving problems and enhancing quality of life in innovative ways. Since no two people face the same challenges or share identical experiences, every relationship deserves a unique approach.
Here’s how to start designing relationships that work for you:
Question Predefined Norms - Society often prescribes how relationships should look and function. Ask yourself:
Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because it’s expected of me?
If the answer is "because it's expected," give yourself permission to break free from traditional paths.
Celebrate Autonomy - Each person in a relationship has unique needs, boundaries, and preferences (discoverable through open communication!). Recognize and respect individuality, making space for everyone’s autonomy to thrive.
Embrace Evolution - People change, and so do their needs. What worked in a relationship yesterday might not work tomorrow - and that’s okay. Keep communication open and adapt as circumstances evolve. Growth and change are natural, and expecting the relationship to remain the same over time might be unrealistic.
Focus on Consent and Respect - Let open communication guide your actions. Rather than assuming, ask:
Would you like me to do this?
Would you be interested in doing this together?
Could you do this for me?
Don’t let labels dictate what you “should” do - let mutual consent and respect shape your decisions.
Choose Agreements Over Rules - Rules are imposed, while agreements arise through collaborative negotiation. Agreements provide room for reflection, re-evaluation, mutual understanding, and respect. Prioritize intentional decision-making and shared understanding over simply following imposed rules.
Use Labels Thoughtfully (or Not at All) - If labels are helpful to you or those around you, use them intentionally. But if they don’t add value, feel free to set them aside and enjoy your connection for what it is, not for what it’s labeled.
Why Design Your Relationships?
Designing relationships rather than adhering to rigid labels gives you the freedom to build connections that are authentic, evolving, and true to your needs. It allows you to break free from limiting societal norms and create bonds rooted in mutual understanding, consent, and respect.
This approach also fosters deeper self-awareness, enabling you to reflect on what you truly need and value. It empowers you to build connections that prioritize autonomy and individuality, allowing everyone to thrive.
Start Designing Today
Ready to create relationships that reflect your authentic self? Embrace the idea of designing your connections with intention and flexibility. Take the time to explore what truly works for you and those you connect with.
To guide you on this journey, try The Relationship Design Game and The Sexuality Design Game. These tools are designed to help you reflect, communicate, and build relationships on your own terms. Learn more about these tools [HERE].
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