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Writer's picture: The Relationship Design GameThe Relationship Design Game

Paths

According to Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse and author, the most common regret people have on their deathbeds is not having had the courage to live a life true to themselves, but instead living the life others expected of them. This desire to live authentically, often dismissed as a passing whim, stays with us throughout life and is far from just a fleeting idea. After all, who are we to question the final words of those who’ve passed?

I once hoped this sense of dissatisfaction was just a phase. But then, I realized it was better to start pursuing authenticity sooner rather than later. The question was - how do we go after something when we’re not even sure what it is? For some, a 9-to-5 job, a monogamous marriage, and a stable life is the dream. For others, that idea is downright terrifying. Unfortunately, for those of us in the latter group, things can get trickier. While the former group has a clear path, with role models and examples to follow, those of us wanting to do things differently need to get more creative.


But it’s important to be cautious: there’s no shortage of people selling their version of authenticity, whether through exotic travels, spiritual practices, or financial schemes. In reality, being true to ourselves doesn’t always require making big, dramatic changes. Sometimes, simply exercising our freedom of thought in a world that imposes such rigid ways of thinking is, in itself, an act of resistance and courage. And probably the first step toward living an authentic life.


It’s impossible to build a life aligned with what we want if we don’t first know what we want. And discovering that requires courage, deep reflection, tough questions, and facing uncomfortable feelings.

It’s not always necessary to drop everything and retreat to a desert island. We can start with what’s closest to us: ourselves and the relationships we have with those around us.

Being trapped in a role we don’t identify with turns life into a tedious and endless play, both for us and for those who share the stage with us.

Perhaps it’s worth taking a moment to reconsider the choices we’ve made. If life were unfolding right now in its final act, would we be satisfied with the role we’ve played? What choices could we have made to get closer to the person we wanted to be and the life we truly desired?

Relationships inevitably play a central role in this reflection. Perhaps that’s why so many people regret not shaping them according to who they truly are, but instead molding them based on others’ expectations. It was with this in mind that I created The Relationship Design Game, a tool for creating more authentic relationships. You can learn more about the game HERE.

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Writer's picture: The Relationship Design GameThe Relationship Design Game

In this article, we’ll share some practical communication tools that can help enhance the quality of your relationships.


The Relationship Design Game - Yes, No, or Let's Talk?

It’s challenging to reach, and maintain, a place of satisfaction in a relationship where everyone involved feels respected and understood without good communication.


But communication isn’t easy. We have at our disposal an extraordinary tool: language - whether spoken, written, or expressed through body language. It took millions of years to develop, and even today, using it freely requires courage and resilience. Even for those who have that freedom, communication remains a challenge.


It’s not always easy to find the right moment, deal with shame or guilt, or choose the right words. There’s the fear of hurting or being hurt, hearing hard truths, or being misunderstood. Of course, some conversations are easier than others, but avoiding the difficult ones creates a growing discomfort that, over time, can lead to a breakdown.


The good news is that everything gets better with practice. Over time, even the toughest conversations become more manageable. We learn to regulate our emotions, develop strategies, and, if necessary, seek help from qualified professionals to facilitate the process.


If you’re on this journey, here are three suggested tools to help structure conversations with the people you connect with. If you’re not currently in a relationship, the last suggestion can be used as a tool for self-awareness, making it easier to approach new relationships more consciously in the future - if that’s what you choose.


1. Multiamory RADAR


Multiamory logo

Multiamory is a podcast with hundreds of incredibly informative episodes that cover a wide range of topics related to different relationship dynamics, from monogamous to non-monogamous ones. The episodes feature scientific research, thoughtful reflections, and the sharing of both personal and professional experiences. On top of that, they offer practical tools to help improve communication in relationships.

One of their most popular tools is RADAR, a check-in framework designed to help you evaluate your relationship, identify what’s working, address areas that need attention, and strengthen your connection.


You can explore RADAR HERE.

2. Relationship Smorgasbord


Relationship Anarchy Smorgasboard

The Relationship Smorgasbord is a tool that works like a “buffet” of relationship possibilities, allowing people to consciously choose what they want to include in their relationship - whether it’s romantic, sexual, platonic, or familial. Rooted in the principles of autonomy and consent, the Relationship Smorgasbord encourages open conversations to align expectations, adjust dynamics, and ensure mutual respect.

It can be helpful both at the start of a relationship and as a way to revisit and adapt existing ones, acknowledging that needs and desires evolve over time.

You can download the Relationship Smorgasbord using the link below:



3. The Relationship Design Game


Jogo Relacionamentos

The Relationship Design Game is an interactive and dynamic tool that presents various scenarios and statements, challenging participants to collaboratively decide what they do or don’t want in their relationship while organizing their decisions visually.

The game questions cultural values often tied to relationships and encourages discussions on topics like exclusivity, family dynamics, finances, honesty, and more. It includes 95 bilingual cards (Portuguese and English) and can be played individually, as a pair, or in a group. By fostering reflection and communication, it helps create more conscious and personalized relationships.

You can explore the Relationship Design Game HERE. I hope you find these tools helpful in improving communication within your relationships!

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Updated: Jan 18


defy labels customize your relationships


Labels like "partner", "friend", "lover", or "fuck buddy" may seem like convenient words to describe our relationships. They provide a sense of structure, but do they truly capture the richness and the complexity of human connection? Or do we rely on them for the comfort of avoiding deeper reflection on our relationships? And if we do, what’s the long-term cost of depending on labels to define the way we relate to each other? Can we design relationships beyond traditional labels?


Labels: Helpful or Harmful?


Labels serve a purpose. They help us simplify complex situations and make sense of the world allowing us to quickly categorize things, people and relationships, and set expectations. For example, calling someone a "partner" suggests an intimate, serious connection, while "friend" indicates a more relaxed, platonic relationship, even if many times that's not the case. While labels can provide some sense of security, they can also create restrictions on how we express ourselves and relate to others.


One of the problems with labels arises when we feel pressured to behave a certain way or are held back from doing something simply because it doesn't fit within the set of expectations tied to that label. These predefined labels can feel restrictive and don’t always honor the diversity of ways people relate to each other.

Labels come with a set of implicit expectations and assumptions. If we don’t question and examine these assumptions, we risk shaping our relationships based on societal expectations rather than our authentic needs and desires.


Moving Beyond Labels: A Designer’s Mindset


Instead of sticking to fixed labels, why not approach relationships with a designer's mindset? The dictionary defines design as "the art or process of deciding how something will look, work, etc., by drawing plans, making computer models, etc." Applying this to relationships means treating them as a creative process, shaping each one to fit the needs of everyone involved. Design is about solving problems and enhancing quality of life in innovative ways. Since no two people face the same challenges or share identical experiences, every relationship deserves a unique approach.


Here’s how to start designing relationships that work for you:


  1. Question Predefined Norms - Society often prescribes how relationships should look and function. Ask yourself:

    • Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because it’s expected of me?

    If the answer is "because it's expected," give yourself permission to break free from traditional paths.


  2. Celebrate Autonomy - Each person in a relationship has unique needs, boundaries, and preferences (discoverable through open communication!). Recognize and respect individuality, making space for everyone’s autonomy to thrive.


  3. Embrace Evolution - People change, and so do their needs. What worked in a relationship yesterday might not work tomorrow - and that’s okay. Keep communication open and adapt as circumstances evolve. Growth and change are natural, and expecting the relationship to remain the same over time might be unrealistic.


  4. Focus on Consent and Respect - Let open communication guide your actions. Rather than assuming, ask:

    • Would you like me to do this?

    • Would you be interested in doing this together?

    • Could you do this for me?

    Don’t let labels dictate what you “should” do - let mutual consent and respect shape your decisions.


  5. Choose Agreements Over Rules - Rules are imposed, while agreements arise through collaborative negotiation. Agreements provide room for reflection, re-evaluation, mutual understanding, and respect. Prioritize intentional decision-making and shared understanding over simply following imposed rules.


  6. Use Labels Thoughtfully (or Not at All) - If labels are helpful to you or those around you, use them intentionally. But if they don’t add value, feel free to set them aside and enjoy your connection for what it is, not for what it’s labeled.


Why Design Your Relationships?


Designing relationships rather than adhering to rigid labels gives you the freedom to build connections that are authentic, evolving, and true to your needs. It allows you to break free from limiting societal norms and create bonds rooted in mutual understanding, consent, and respect.


This approach also fosters deeper self-awareness, enabling you to reflect on what you truly need and value. It empowers you to build connections that prioritize autonomy and individuality, allowing everyone to thrive.


Start Designing Today


Ready to create relationships that reflect your authentic self? Embrace the idea of designing your connections with intention and flexibility. Take the time to explore what truly works for you and those you connect with.

To guide you on this journey, try The Relationship Design Game and The Sexuality Design Game. These tools are designed to help you reflect, communicate, and build relationships on your own terms. Learn more about these tools [HERE].

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